User blog:Smurf Manian/Eros meets Lord Asmodeus on a dating app

''NOTE: This short story is considered non-canonical with both the EMPATH: The Luckiest Smurf story series and the Aeon of the Champion story series, even though it uses characters from both. It is to be considered 'outside of the timelines' of these respective universe.''

"Damn it!"

A quaking fist came slamming down onto the table, sending a nearby teacup flying into orbit (albeit momentarily) before crashing back down to Earth, sending its ceramic debris across the galaxy - I mean, bedroom.

"And now I've got to buy a new teacup. Aww crap, this just hasn't been my day."

The Cherub signed and slid the shattered remains to one side. Right now, a broken mug was the least of his concerns. What bugged him more than anything in that moment was the painful realisation that his entire life was essentially a failure. For decades and decades, he had been at the forefront of eroticism-based relationships, leading the way any time it came to something sexually immoral. This was of course his job, given his total juxtaposition to a more scrupulous counterpart, who, quite pitifully, saw it as his job to spread "true love" to the mortal races by shooting them with arrows and making them "truly" fall in love with each other. He hoped that by doing this, he would help people to build strong, stable, and lasting relationships.

"Idiot," muttered Eros. He lifted a lazily-placed hand from the opening of his pants and entered some terms into the keyboard.

"How he blindly ignores mortal nature," the Cherub continued his trail of thought. "Does he not realise that people need flexibility in every facet of their lives, in order to be truly free? What's with this gung-ho attitude to sex nowadays? As far as I'm concerned it's what's outside that counts, because that's what you're directly dealing with. Forget the personality and all that, I mean it's not like you're going to be with them for long enough to even give a rat about such things."

Eros slammed his desk again. "At least, if things went my way."

The problem was: things weren't going his way.

All this time, he had been promoting loose, permissive relationships, encouraging people to embrace sexual deviance and appease the id of their mind by giving it what it most desired. How on Earth was he supposed to do that when he couldn't even get a partner on a dating app? He, the Master of Lust himself?

"I haven't had fun in ages," he snapped, staring at the computer almost hopelessly. "Wish I could feel what it's like to climax again. A Lust Lord who doesn't know lust is next to useless. Seriously."

As soon as the words left his mouth, a notice appeared on the computer. Excited, Eros rushed to check it, and, after a series of disappointments, he was matched with a partner.

"Asmodee, Lord of Lust," Eros read his user bio. "Oi! That's my title! Who does this ship rat think he is?"

Furious, Eros hit up Asmodee in his DMs. "Hey punk," he wrote. "Who are you? What's up with you stealing my title? What makes you think you're a Lust Lord?"

The demon prince took only a second to start typing his reply. "One question at a time, fool." was the cold response.

Eros was annoyed. "Nobody calls me fool. I am Eros, Lord of the Lust, and I will not be denied. Give me answers, NOW."

Asmodee shook his head sadly. "You did not understand me. I said: one question at a time. If you are going to waste my time then I have a backlog of matches waiting for me; you are entirely disposable."

A flood of panic rushed over Eros. "No, no, stay, I'll feed one question at a time."

This guy is a real jerk, thought Eros to himself. Then he realised who he was supposed to be. Now the idea started appealing to him a bit more.

"Alright," replied Eros excitedly. "But who are you?"

"I am Asmodee, the Lord of Lust and Sin," came the response. "Ruler of the Black Empire".

''Black Empire. ''Name didn't ring a bell, but Asmodee's introduction was enough to get him interested.

"Black Empire you say," Eros mused. "Tell me more about this...Empire of yours, Asmodee."

The demon snapped. "That's PRINCE Asmodee to you. Regardless. The Black Empire, or at least my section of it, was dedicated to the promotion of loving relationships. I was a strong supporter of sexual freedom and marital liberties," he continued.

"Sexual freedom, eh?"

"Yes. Sexual freedom. We believe that it is paramount that every being has the capacity to satisfy their desires, for in this do all living creatures find true empowerment..."

"...empowerment..." Eros was enthralled.

"First partner I've met today, and I'm liking him."

Asmodee continued his lecture. "My servants did the spreading of love for me. We would seek out the lost, unconverted souls of the world, and bring them into the light of our ministry. Comfort to the uncomfortable. Company to the unaccompanied. Pleasure to...the displeased..."

Eros was sold. "Our interests appear to have aligned, Prince Asmodee," he addressed the demon. Asmodee's ears picked up.

"How so, Eros?"

Eros went on to explain his never-ending battle with Cupid and his interloping daughter, Charity, and how he had created the Lust Arrows to twist mortal souls by turning them into lustful beasts. The more he listened, the more enraptured the demon became.

"Indeed, Eros, our interests are aligned," he spoke. "Imagine what we could do if..."

"...we worked together..."

"...your Lust Arrows, my Succubi and Incubi..."

"...would bring us dominion..."

"...over the minds of man..."

"...yes."

Eros was smiling so hard, his face nearly fell off. At long last, a business partner. All that was left was for them to formally connect. And that's exactly what the two Lust Lords spent the rest of the day doing: discussing their plans for the domination of the souls of man by appealing to their greatest weakness: lust.

It was the beginning of a brilliantly ugly partnership. And somewhere along the line, a wave of despair fell across the hearts of Cherubs worldwide.