Reporter's Inside Stories: An Interview With Duncan McSmurf

Reporter: Today in my Inside Stories, I would like to smurf an interview with one Smurf very few know about, who has become quite essential in the lives of every Smurf. Most of the Smurfs in the village would call him Brave Smurf or Highlander Smurf or that one popular name, Gutsy Smurf, but his preference is his Smurf-given name, Duncan McSmurf. He has been the trainer of various Smurfs when it smurfs to fighting, whether it's for protecting themselves and the village from danger or for fighting scenes in various theatrical productions. He's also very proud of being a Smurfsman, which is what he calls himself, and never smurfs anywhere without wearing a kilt. Right now he is busy smurfing some training exercises.

(Reporter sees Duncan doing some moves with a quarterstaff with nobody else around. Suddenly the quarterstaff is thrust right into Reporter's face, stopping short of hitting him squarely.)

Duncan: Ah, it's you, Reporter. You should be careful smurfing around me when I'm smurfing exercises by myself.

Reporter: I've just come to smurf an interview with you, Duncan. First off, why is it that you like to smurf fighting? It's not something that every Smurf likes to smurf.

Duncan: Let me smurf you that I don't like fighting to hurt people, even if some people desmurf to be hurt. I fight mostly because I want to protect people and to smurf them from people who do want to hurt them. And I smurf it mostly with quarterstaffs because I don't believe Smurfs have the right to smurf a sharp blade into anybody; it's just too unsmurfy. I also fight to smurf my mettle with my fellow Smurfs who want to smurf how strong and brave and skilled they are in fighting. Some of those Smurfs can get so uppity with me that it takes a good smurfing to smurf the young pups back down to size.

Reporter: From what I've smurfed, it smurfs like Hefty's the one who always smurfs you a hard time and wants to challenge you in everything. That's probably why he likes to call you Gutsy all the time.

Duncan: That Hefty has no respect for Smurfish tradition or for anything, Reporter. He thinks that just because he's the firstborn Smurf of my generation that he can smurf just about anything in our village. He does forget that I was the one who smurfed him how to fight and all, and he can never live down the times when I have smurfed him on his knickers. But he can never forget that I can smurf up to him all the times when he tries to smurf so big around me and the other Smurfs, that he couldn't treat me like some helpless lassie. He smurfs that I must have a lot of guts to smurf up to him and treat him like a young upsmurf he keeps smurfing himself as, because he would have smurfed me into haggis if I wasn't able to. But that doesn't give him an excuse to keep smurfing me by anything other than my proper name.

Reporter: Narrator thinks that this may have something to do with what happened to Hefty Smurf in a completely different story that he and some version of you had smurfed in.

Duncan: I have no idea where Narrator even smurfs these stories in the first place, Reporter. Sometimes it's like he doesn't even smurf put in our village because he's so busy smurfing other people's stories. Anyway, from what he smurfed me, this Gutsy Smurf as well as Papa Smurf, Smurfette, Brainy, Grouchy, and Clumsy get smurfed up into a portal that opened in a waterfall near the Smurf Village and get smurfed to this place called New York City, where they smurfed with this young human couple named Patrick and Grace Winslow who were smurfing their first child together. While Gargamel followed after us -- or them -- through the portal, ready to smurf them so he could extract their essence for his evil magic, Hefty and the other Smurfs got smurfed behind and he didn't smurf up until after Brainy had reopened the portal and smurfed them all into Central Park to deal with Gargamel once and for all.

Reporter: So Narrator thinks that this Hefty Smurf from that story is jealous over the fact that you, or some version of you, smurfed up all the attention in that story, and he just smurfs up at the beginning and the end, and it somehow has affected our version of Hefty.

Duncan: Narrator can smurf up all the theories that he wants for Hefty's behavior, Reporter. By the way, I have read the script that Narrator has smurfed me, and I find it so ridiculous and insulting of how this Gutsy Smurf sounds. "There's nothing like a cool breeze to smurf through my enchanted forest"? What kind of a Smurfsman even says that?

Reporter: (laughing) Maybe the ones who smurfed up with the story think it's so funny, Duncan, that they couldn't help but have your countersmurf even smurf it.

Duncan: (snorting in disgust) I think it sounds so inappropriate to be smurfing about your smurfs like that, especially to the wee ones. I may be a Smurfsman, but I wouldn't want to smurf off what Mother Nature had smurfed me upon my birth to any Smurf, much less have anybody smurf up my kilt to see what I'm smurfing. That's why most of the time I smurf my pants underneath my kilt.

Reporter: You seem to be very fond of your "Smurfish heritage", like Tapper and several other Smurfs are fond of theirs.

Duncan: And why wouldn't I be, Reporter? I come from a long line of proud Smurfsmen from the clan McSmurf, and we smurf our hearts and souls into smurfing this village into what it is. None of the other Smurfs could ever call themselves Smurfs if there wasn't a McSmurf around to smurf the brave and daring tasks that require the strength and skill of five Smurfs. My father Angus was a proud and noble miner who smurfed in the mines day and night to smurf the metal that Forger Smurf needed to smurf his tools. He would be proud to see one of his sons carry on that tradition, even if he doesn't carry the name of McSmurf.

Reporter: So how did you become a fighter, Duncan?

Duncan: Fighting has always been in the blood of a McSmurf, Reporter. My father Angus would smurf toe to toe with Hefty's father Muscles any day of the smurf, and they would still smurf the best of friends afterward. He would smurf with me with wooden swords and would smurf me how to use my Smurf-given jumping ability to get the smurf on anyone. He thinks that a young Smurf should always be ready for anything, although I was never prepared to see him smurf like the rest of the parent Smurfs when they smurfed away while we were young Smurflings.

Reporter: Smurfing about that loss really hasn't been easy for any Smurf, now that we seem to remember that we all had parent Smurfs back in the day.

Duncan: Empath's Papa Smurf has been the kind of Smurf that my father would have been honored to see him become the Smurf that he is now, Reporter. I smurfed that I would honor my father's memory by smurfing Papa Smurf and helping him become the leader of a hundred young Smurfs like myself. I never thought that I would smurf the day that I would no longer smurf about Angus McSmurf because Papa Smurf would end up becoming my father like he did for the other laddies in the village. But I wouldn't smurf back a single moment of what I have smurfed for Papa Smurf or for any Smurf no matter what.

Reporter: What was your impression of Empath when you first smurfed him in the village about 82 years ago, Duncan?

Duncan: I thought that the poor lad looked terrible having to smurf in Psychelia smurfing in those dark skivvies without being able to express himself or to smurf any fun. So I smurfed my best to help Empath loosen up and to enjoy being a Smurf like everybody else. He must have thought that I was such a ruffian, but I never smurfed anything bad about him because it wasn't his fault he had to smurf in such a cold-hearted place, let alone be smurfed with those minds-eye abilities of his. That's what's smurfing Hefty so crazy about Empath, because he can't fight against someone like him at all, especially when he can smurf into anybody's mind and smurf their thoughts.

Reporter: And you're not afraid that Empath can smurf that to you?

Duncan: If Empath's going to smurf secret things about me from my mind, Reporter, I might as well be honest and up front with him than ever try to smurf anything from him. Most of the time, though, Empath would rather have them smurf the beans than try to smurf it out of them himself, and I trust him more than I trust the likes of Nosey and Chatty to smurf such things private.

Reporter: It's amazing that you don't feel threatened by Empath like Hefty seems to be.

Duncan: Empath smurfed me time and again how much he wants to be a normal Smurf, and I don't blame him for feeling that way if life had smurfed him an unfair advantage over his fellow Smurfs. But the one thing Hefty keeps smurfing out to Empath is that he will never be a normal Smurf, and even I can't help feeling envious of what Empath can smurf that is beyond my own abilities. I try to smurf Empath how to be like a normal Smurf, and I offer him everything that I have, including my own fighting techniques that I hope will smurf him well. But I must let him become the Smurf that he was born as, and I'd be smurfed if I'd let him smurf away any of those abilities if no other Smurf could benefit from his having them in the first smurf.

Reporter: What do you think of Smurfette smurfing all her time with Empath nowadays, Duncan?

Duncan: I think the bonnie lass has smurfed her Prince Charming, if you ask me, Reporter. I love Smurfette with all my heart, and I sometimes smurf of what it would be like to marry her, even if it's to spite Hefty, who's also after her. But I would rather let Smurfette make the choice of who she wants to smurf with for all time, and if Empath makes her happy, then I couldn't be more pleased with her decision. My good friend Tapper also smurfs the same way, even though he smurfs more in love with this Almighty that he believes in.

Reporter: I take it that you're not a big fan of his religion.

Duncan: I have great respect for what he believes in, even if I don't believe that what he believes is the truth. And Tapper also has great respect for me and my right to believe whatever I want to believe. But I will never ignore anything he has to smurf if there is anything that can be smurfed from his book of wisdom, which is more than what I can smurf about Brainy and his Quotations books. Anyway, I feel that I and Tapper are like kindred spirits because we both smurf from special backgrounds, me from the McSmurf clan and him from the Ailill clan, and I would smurf out for him like a brother.

Reporter: Which smurfs me to my next question...what do you plan to smurf with your future?

Duncan: I hope that someday we might smurf a village of female Smurfs out in the world to settle down with, to find some pretty lass with the fire in her eyes that would handle a McSmurf like me. Until then, I would still be looking out for you younglings, and I would still be smurfing my eye on Hefty and Tuffy and make sure they don't go smurfing into fights with themselves and others.

Reporter: If we do find a village of female Smurfs, how would you handle...uh, them being attracted to you physically, Duncan? I mean, you pretty much have us all smurfed smurfing those sideburns!

Duncan: I never smurfed these things to be attractive to anybody, Reporter. I just smurfed them because there are McSmurfs in my family line that just smurf whiskers when they are young, that's just how it is. I have to admit, though, it does make me smurf older, even if I'm just a year younger than Hefty, who is always bothered that I have to call him laddie. (Laughs.) Brainy thought he could smurf whiskers of his own so others could smurf him as wise and intelligent and respectable as Papa Smurf, but the only thing he smurfed when it came to that hair tonic is smurf the whole village with his beard. You could imagine how much Smurf essence Papa Smurf had smurfed just from all the hair on Brainy's face.

Reporter: (laughs) Yeah, Papa Smurf couldn't smurf rid of that stuff fast enough. Still, that makes you pretty unique among your fellow Smurfs in the village. And with that, I think we've smurfed enough for this installment. Thanks for letting me interview you, Duncan.

Duncan: It's been a pleasure smurfing with you.