Vanity's Private Moment

"Vanity's Private Moment" is a mini-story that is part of the EMPATH: The Luckiest Smurf story series.

The Story
One day at Tapper's Tavern, Empath was sitting at the counter drinking his sarsaparilla ale and trying to work on that day's crossword puzzle in the village newspaper when Papa Smurf also joined him at the counter for a cup of smurfberry tea. "So what seems to be the matter, Empath?" Papa Smurf asked as soon as he sat down with his tea, noticing the look on Empath's face.

Empath sighed, as if he didn't know how to tell anyone, even Papa Smurf, what was on his mind. "This afternoon, this smurf went into the Imaginarium and noticed that someone was already in a fantasy setting, and this smurf had to override the privacy feature in order to see who it is. It was Vanity kissing...himself in some sort of paradise scenario."

"Vanity kissing himself?" Papa Smurf said. "That doesn't seem to be anything you need to consmurf yourself about. He's always been kissing himself."

"It was different, Papa Smurf," Empath said. "Vanity was kissing what appeared to be a copy of himself created by the Imaginarium, and they were doing...more than just kissing together."

Papa Smurf nodded, understanding what Empath meant. "So I see. When I created the Imaginarium with Handy and Miner, I knew that my little Smurfs would use it for smurfing their own fantasies with Smurfette whenever they smurfed those urges to be with her without them actually smurfing those urges with Smurfette."

"This smurf assumed that every Smurf in the village would be doing just that, with a few notable exceptions, Papa Smurf," Empath said. "It's just that this smurf didn't expect Vanity to have such a narcissistic obsession that he would use the Imaginarium to literally make love to himself."

"So Vanity's using the Imaginarium to make love to himself, eh?" Tapper said as he overheard the conversation. "Something about this just doesn't smurf right with me, and I'd be very uncomfortable with the idea of wanting to smurf this for myself."

"Do you think Vanity's obsession with himself would lead to seeking out a romantic relationship with another male Smurf, Tapper?" Empath asked.

"That's what I'm afraid of, my fellow Empath, and one thing that I'm consmurfly praying to the Almighty about concerning Vanity," Tapper said. "If Vanity's using the Imaginarium in such a fashion as to explore that kind of relationship, who knows how long it will be before he smurfs losing interest in himself and decides to smurf after someone else to satisfy himself with?"

Papa Smurf laughed. "I doubt that Vanity will ever seem to lose that kind of interest in himself, Tapper. Though I wouldn't want to see Vanity smurfing this kind of relationship, I don't think I can smurf anything wrong with this being how Vanity wants to express himself in his private moments."

"Papa Smurf, surely you're not saying that you're agreeing with the idea of Vanity smurfing this with himself," Tapper said, not believing what he was hearing.

"All I'm saying is that there is a little bit of Vanity in all of us, Tapper," Papa Smurf said. "We all smurf a love for ourselves that we would love to express in some manner so that we would know that it's okay for ourselves to be who we are. It's just what we smurf with that love for ourselves that we must make sure that it doesn't make us care only for ourselves."

"Aye, I suppose you're right on that, Papa Smurf," Tapper said. "I do forget at times that I'm still just a Smurf who's susceptible to the same faults as every other Smurf here."

"But this smurf senses that you're not comfortable with the idea of the Imaginarium being a way for every Smurf to safely express their desires for Smurfette in a safe manner, Tapper," Empath said.

"I am tempted by the flesh just like every other Smurf, Empath," Tapper said. "I just can't smurf myself dishonoring Smurfette by having her being smurfed in a fantasy setting where I can smurf my way with her. It would be no different than myself just imagining Smurfette being with me in my own head whenever I feel those urges. The Almighty's Son said that lusting after a woman in my own heart is just the same as actually committing adultery with her."

"But Smurfette isn't married yet, so how can that be considered adultery?" Empath asked.

"It's an adultery of the spirit, my fellow Empath, for whoever is united with the Lord becomes one with Him in the spirit," Tapper said. "He says that if your eye causes you to sin, then you should smurf it out and cast it away from you, and if your hand causes you to sin, then you should smurf it off and cast it away from you, for it is better that one of your members should perish than for your whole body to be smurfed into Gehenna."

"Surely you're not smurfing that my little Smurfs should mutilate themselves to keep themselves pure and holy until the day they are married, Tapper?" Papa Smurf said, not liking what he was hearing.

"What the Almighty's Son is saying is also what His apostle Paul is saying...that we should smurf the members of our body completely dead to sin," Tapper said. "That's why I'm always praying for myself to die daily and for the Almighty to smurf me away from presumptuous sin so that I would not be guilty of great transgression against Him."

"So, bringing this conversation back to talking about Vanity, how should we approach his desire to be with himself in this fashion in the Imaginarium?" Empath asked.

"I don't see that there is much anybody can smurf about this as long as Vanity isn't hurting any other Smurf with his desires for himself, Empath," Tapper said. "All that we can do is be a friend to Vanity and smurf him that he is still loved by his fellow Smurfs despite his own feelings. Hopefully the Almighty will smurf within his heart to show him what true love really is about."

"I will agree with you on that, Tapper," Papa Smurf said. "After all, it's not our business if that's how Vanity wants to express his love toward himself."

Empath nodded with acceptance. "Fair enough."